I’ve searched the internet and found dozens of tried and
true ways to combat those annoying little menopause symptoms. Of course, that’s
not what you’re going to find here. I’m here to help you … in my own, honest way. Buckle up.
1.
Missed Periods- Fuck. Count this one as a
blessing. If you are complaining about missing your periods, you’re an idiot.
2.
Hot Flashes- This one pisses me off. Hot Flash
triggers are as follows: stress/anxiety, sugar, caffeine, coffee, alcohol,
spicy foods and hot beverages. So what do you do? Sit naked in a quiet room,
drinking cold water with lemon, eating plain crackers … screw that. Just turn
the air to 60 and have a few rum and cokes and shortly thereafter you won’t
give a shit.
3.
Weight gain- It’s important to get more exercise
when you start menopause. I have a few suggestions that would certainly kill
two birds with one stone – knife throwing, mixed martial arts- oh, oh, oh, or midget tossing. Remember, it’s
totally illegal to toss a midget without expressed written consent. Yes, I’m
perfectly aware midget is not the “PC” term – BUT, in my defense, if I said “little person” tossing, you might
think I was referring to children and that would make you far angrier.
4.
Sleep Deprivation- Whatever. How much sleep do
you really need? There’s so much more you could be doing with your time, like
worrying about bills and contemplating how little time you have left since
clearly you are so old you are going through menopause. But if you insist on
catching some z’s, I would suggest referring back to #2 and just increase the
rum and cokes by 2 or 6.
5.
Vaginal Dryness – I read an article that fish
can help improve vaginal dryness. It seems pretty weird to put a fish in your
vagina and I’m pretty sure that even if it does increase lubrication, no guy
will care, stinky puss. Unless of course
they meant you should eat the fish?
6.
Mood Swings – Awe come on … these are fun! I
love that feeling of wanting to hug someone one minute, then choke the living
shit out of them the next. They should have mood swings on every playground. On
the way up, you get to soar into the beautiful blue sky filled with rainbows
and lollipops and on the way down you get to drop kick someone over the fence.
Just an idea.
7.
Sore Breasts – Prevention magazine list 19 ways
to combat breast tenderness, one of which is cutting out pepperoni pizza? Is
that supposed to be funny? Basically, after kids, most boobs look like a
pepperoni pizza. Their next idea is to “Keep them cool”, so stick your titties
in a freezer I guess? Another genius idea is to “Keep Calm”. Fuck off. It’s
menopause, not yoga.
8. Chronic Headaches –those are called husbands and
children. Not much you can do about them. You can’t live without them and you
can’t lock them in a closet … because that is illegal.
9.
Decreased Sex Drive –Take the number of years
you have been married multiplied by the number of times you received flowers,
divided by the number of times you’ve cooked dinner and done laundry. That’s
how many times you should be having sex a week. If the number is less than one,
which I suspect it is (like .0015), it’s not “decreased sex drive”, you’re just
fucking tired.
10. Incontinence
– Oh who doesn’t piss themselves once in awhile really? Just remember when you
laugh … or sneeze … or cough … or pretty much any other time you exert yourself
to tighten up “down there”. Otherwise, get some granny panties (Poise or
Depends, depending on personal
preference) and then, not only will you not have to worry about the
incontinence, but you will also solve the sex drive issues, because once your
husband sees you in those bad boys, he’ll lose his, too.
I hope I have provided you with some solutions to some of
menopause’s pesky little problems. If you were at all offended by any of this,
you are clearly not in menopause yet. Come back repeatedly and when it no
longer offends you, you’re there.
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