1. I will wake up every morning at 5:00am to workout so that I will feel better the rest of the day.

2. I will eat only healthy foods and avoid fried foods and sugar.

3. I will only drink alcohol on special occasions and never over indulge.

4. I will be a better mother and try not to say “no” to my kids as often.

5. I will be a better wife and do all of the things that make my husband happy.

6. I will clean my house without complaining.

7. I will put on makeup every day.

8. I will cook a fabulous dinner every night.

9. I will have sex with my husband without complaining.

10. I will go to work every day without complaining.


Now, what is actually going to happen:

1. I will likely wake up at 5:00am on a few occasions, but only if Ethan has pooped his diaper. I will have a gym membership, but like everyone else, I will believe that just having the card counts for something.

2. I will make sure to put lettuce on my hamburger and make sure that the fried foods I eat do not also contain sugar. One at a time is my motto.

3. Thank God for Hallmark, because now just about every day is a special occasion of some sort….cheers!

4. I figure if I drink enough, I won’t care what the kids are doing, so I will be less likely to say no. Problem solved.

5. I am not hooking up with a chick you freak. This one is out.

6. I will hire a maid.

7. Lipstick is makeup. Either that or I will start hanging around uglier people, therefore I will look better by default.

8. I will cook a fabulous dinner one night and reheat for the next four nights.

9. This one I can do. No complaints.

10. Seriously, does anyone do this?? Maybe if I was a Urologist and could perform vasectomies all day. Now that’s a good job. Could be worse I suppose. I could be the guy who has to inseminate large farm animals for a living.

My Ass is Amazing....

Image via Wikipedia

That will be the title of my next book about a donkey. Clearly it is not a statement about the current condition of my backside. It used to be amazing, but two kids later and it is now, just an ass.



I remember when I was about nineteen a guy that I had a huge crush on made a statement as I climbed up the ladder on to the boat. He was still in the water behind me and when he climbed on to the boat, he said, “You have the greatest ass”. For weeks after that, I would use a little compact mirror to check out my rear in the bathroom mirror. What was all of the fuss about? I mean, yes it was firm, but I was nineteen. I am quite sure I probably took every chance I could to flaunt my butt in front of him. I never did go out with him, not because I didn’t have the opportunity, but because I knew all of the girls he had already dated and quite frankly I had no desire to get anything that “itched” or “burned”.


Fast forward twenty years and now what I wouldn’t give to have that ass again. I guess that is not entirely true, I wouldn’t give my kids. It’s ironic that the one thing that causes the most change to the size of your ass can also be the biggest pain in your ass. Let’s just end it there.