I Ain’t Gonna Lie, Five Year Olds Are a Pain in the Ass.

Adj. 1. five-year-old - five years of age.
young, immature - (used of living things especially persons) in an early period of life or development or growth; "young people"


Yes, I said it. Five year olds, even mine, are a pain in the ass. I read a funny Phyllis Diller quote somewhere once that said “We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up." Though funny, not quite accurate. I think we actually spend the next 17 years telling them that.


I love my daughter more than life itself and that’s a fact. Wait for it. Here it comes….BUT just like every five year old has the ability to annoy their mother, she has the ability to drive me up the freakin wall. I look at her and she is so beautiful and wonderfully sweet. She is smart and caring and…whatever. She is still a pain in the ass.


I have tried to analyze just exactly what it is that makes me so nuts, just as I am sure I made my mother nuts. First, I believe there is a club that five year olds are automatically a member of when they turn five and some actually join as soon as three years old. The Motor Mouths. The prerequisite for membership is they must be able to speak non-stop, without taking a breath and start a new conversation about something totally unrelated without so much as missing a beat. My daughter could actually be the president of this club. If speed talking were a sport, my daughter would for sure win the gold medal.


Next, whining. Whining would also rank right up there. “But moooommmmm”! Enough said.


“Knock, Knock”. It’s bad enough that they don’t really understand the point of the joke. My daughter says things like “Chicken” and I say “chicken who?” and she says “chicken taco shoe head” followed by screaming laughter. But it never ends there. Knock-knock jokes can go on for hours. Over and over and over again. If something is funny the first time, the five year old thinks that it gets even funnier the fourteenth time. The same thing. Fourteen times. Pain in the ass.


And then there is “Look at me Mommy”! “I know how to do that better than anyone”. “Watch this”. Again, enough said.


I always thought of myself as an excellent debater, but after being repeatedly taken down by a five year old, I have lost respect for myself. The constant barrage of “I don’t want to’s” and “you can make me’s” with the occasional “you wanna bet” has beaten me to my core. I could at one time argue back until I figured out that she has nothing but time on her side and she is happy to point that out. Five year olds are good.


But at the end of the day, when she walks up to me and says, “Mommy”? “Can I lay in your bed tonight”? is when I realize that she is just that, a five year old little girl. Still afraid of the dark. Still needs her mommy to protect her. Her attitude is big, but she is still my little girl. She is finding her way. Getting her feet wet. She loves me and I love her, pain in the ass and all.