Fitting in a Fart

fart (färt) Vulgar Slang
intr.v. fart•ed, fart•ing, farts
To expel intestinal gas through the anus; break wind.
n.
1. An often audible discharge of intestinal gas.
2. An annoying or foolish person.
Phrasal Verb:
fart around
To fool around; fritter time away.


I actually am so busy that I don't have time to fit in a fart. If one accidentally slipped out, I would have to suck it back up into my butt and reschedule it for a later date. Then one day my farts would form an
army and launch an attack. I am tentatively scheduling a few days off work for that event.

My daughter happens to think fart is the funniest word in the whole world. I guess when you are five it is pretty funny, but when you are forty, you start to realize that it won’t be too long before you have no control over that particular event. At some point, they just happen before you even have time to leave the room. Quite frankly, it has been my experience that when it gets to that point they don’t even care to leave the room. At some point it just becomes acceptable to say “oh my goodness” or “excuse me”. Like either one of those phrases could possibly make it ok. A sneeze, yes. A fart, no. It makes you wonder if they don’t hear it, or for that matter, feel it.

Is this really what I have become…reduced to talking about farts? I guess when you have vomit on your shirt, your hair (unwashed) is in yesterday’s shamefully bad ponytail and your toenails have the same half-peeled polish from 4 months ago, you can talk about whatever the hell you want. It's not like anyone takes you seriously anyway, in fact most people are probably scared of you.